I decided when I started to write this blog it would be about life after Matts death and focused on the future. I love to write and although it’s always hard to kick start I feel better.
Today is November 29th! I’m on Day 29 of a new IVF cycle and boy does it suck! I guess the last time I did this I had Matt by my side which I think helped distract me from the horrible hormonal mood swings, ups and downs, the nausea and the never ending tears!!!! I remember with each Injection it got worse, by the end I would have removed my own eggs!!!!!
This time is a lot harder, it’s an isolating experience because it’s really something no one can imagine unless u go through it. All the medication side effects take their toll not only physically but also mentally. The first round of drugs to suppress your ovaries made me so bloated and nauseous. I was sick to my stomach with the worst headaches.. when day 23 came and I could stop I was so excited! I know things were about to get worse but at least for 3 days I could relax. Heading back to the fertility clinic was definitely hard for me. It’s in the same location as Matt was treated so going back feels weird, parking in the cancer institute and watching people head to chemo is numbing to me. I look at them with pain in my heart because I know it’s so difficult and yet they are bravely attending appointments alone… I could never imagine not being allowed with Matt. We needed to be together to face the news and so I’m in awe of people fighting it in our Covid hell.
I’m also not allowed people with me for scans, this I think is the hardest part, I am an anxious person, I assume it’s always bad news and so I panic, worry and exhaust myself. On Tuesday the scan looked good and I got the all clear to start the injections, I’m so blessed to have an army of wonderful people ready to poke me… they are so good at it too! Day one was fine but now on day 5 I feel so tired, nauseous and can cry on cue! The hormones are designed to produce lots of eggs… god willing it works! I’m going to freeze this round of eggs and move forward with the implant of the embryo matt and I made together. It’s an incredible gift to have and I know matt was so excited for me to be a mom, I know I am. I was scared, scared of being a single mom but I have a support network bigger than my heart can imagine and I’m not alone for one second!
Today felt goos to write. I don’t have much more to say now but will be back with my next update.